I recently attained the State of Clear at my Church of Scientology, and I wanted to tell you a bit about what this was like, and attempt to detail in practical terms what this has meant for me personally, as well as for my family.
Before I go into too much detail though, please have a look at this article I wrote on what it means to “go Clear”, and what’s involved in the process. The activity of attaining the State of Clear isn’t just suddenly thinking the right thoughts finally or some other passive thing that sort of “happens” to one. It’s the result of a fair bit of work, following an extremely well-codified process with the help of some amazingly dedicated and well trained individuals to help get you there. There’s a reason Scientologists make a big deal of this, as it’s a momentous accomplishment, and the culmination of a fair bit of work. So please, first give this a read.
Now, for my story. I want to start out by giving you an idea of life for me before Clear, as it puts the last two months of my life into perspective.
I had the good fortune to grow up in a caring and wonderful Scientology family, and with the help of my parents, I was able to complete a fair bit of Scientology auditing early on in my life, even before I hit high school. They also worked extremely hard to be able to provide for me what quite certainly is the best primary education I could have asked for, with my sister and I both graduating from The Delphian School in Oregon. I was able to quickly get on my feet after high school, and with some college and a massive stack of technical books under my belt, I quickly found success in technical fields, first as a designer and website developer, and then as a Internet systems engineer – a career I maintain to this day.
For the next decade and a half, I continued getting extensive administrative training in Scientology, did a vast number of courses of study, and among other things completed a chronological study of all of L. Ron Hubbard’s books & lectures that comprise the fundamentals of the Scientology religion. I broadened my understanding of people, I became vastly more valuable to my various groups as a contributor, and did a lot of fantastic work of which I’m extremely proud. I also became a father to 3 beautiful children.
So, there were a LOT of things going right about my life. I had a stable marriage to a wife I’d been with for 19 years, a beautiful family, a rewarding career and a bright future. And this is where this journey to Clear for me really came into focus.
You see, with all of the life that I’d been busy living, I’d gotten myself into a state of “doing pretty well***” – where there was an asterisk or footnote describing all of the limitations and exceptions for all the hidden ways I WASN’T. I was happy, except for various insecurities I had. I was “totally stable” except for the myriad ways I wasn’t. I was confident, except for the ways that I was embarrassed by various compulsions, inhibitions and fears.
And for years, I’d just been bottling up all these asterisks and footnotes, putting them behind me, and pretending to myself that they weren’t there. And the tragedy was, the more I did in Scientology, the more I studied and worked with other Scientologists, the more effort I put into bottling up and containing all of the strange behaviors, unwanted emotions and nonsensical self-restraints I had in life. I knew exactly how I WANTED to be, but was progressively more upset and self-conscious that I wasn’t that man.
This all started to markedly change on an auditing action called New Era Dianetics.
The New Era Dianetics (or “NED”) step on the Bridge consists of eighteen separate steps. each with their own unique focus and objective, to address the engrams contained in the reactive mind.
As an example of one of these steps, the NED Drug Rundown, resolves the factors in the reactive mind related to drug addiction, eradicating not only the unwanted after-effects of drugs or alcohol, but also those reactive forces that initially led one to turn to drugs or alcohol in the first place. The harmful effects of drugs on the mind are erased and a person is freed not only from the compulsion to take drugs, but from the crazy decisions, unwanted emotions, illogical compulsions or artificial behaviors that one associated with those drugs.
Another of the New Era Dianetics Rundowns, entirely tailor-made to the individual, handles anything a person considers to be a disability – the definition of which is as different as the people of earth. Some people feel that some body factor is a disability, whereas others think they are perpetually “too slow” or “too timid” or “too depressed.” These factors that a person himself feels disables him are then addressed with Dianetics, with the these artificial, self-imposed limitations getting vaporized at their core: the reactive mind.
I want to give you a few examples of some of what got handled for me with New Era Dianetics on my way to Clear.
First off, I ended up getting rid of noise connected with my own thoughts. In the past, I had ideas of things which I “shouldn’t be thinking about,” stray thoughts of various sorts which did not seem to be under my control, or would stick around even when I didn’t want them. I had such a massive fraction of my attention wound up in bottling these thoughts up and attempting to “un-think them”, like trying to wad them up cram them to into a dark corner. In some cases the load that these thoughts would bring to bear upon me was so much, that I found it difficult to just focus on tasks at hand, because so much attention was kept on keeping these untoward thoughts, feelings and compulsions (ones which I had attempted to un-think, un-feel and un-compel myself about) at bay. It would get to a point where, when I’d attempt to focus on a task, I felt that the only way I could only be truly productive was to have such a state of emergency and franticness that the urgency itself acted as an external mechanism to keep my untoward thoughts at bay. This created, by extension, an external need to have emergency situations, urgent matters, and thrilling do-it-or-die circumstances continually, so that I’d remain productive and not into the fuzz of my own thoughts, despite the obvious dichotomy of the fact that one of the single most important things my work and my family valued in me, is that I could be calm, collected, and capable of competently dealing with matters that others found alarming. I hope you can appreciate how much this opposition of forces has been totally ruining my life. This was a situation which was making it so that I’d perpetually be uneasy in my own skin because I was trying to solve this discomfort with my own compulsions, thoughts and feelings which I knew weren’t me.
Another factor which was removed entirely was a persistent self-doubt that I’d also mostly only keep to myself. Juggling a busy life at work with the pressures of also raising three kids, as well as doing the volunteer work I enjoy so much for my Church, I’d many times get hung up with persistent self-doubt. There would be times when I wouldn’t take action that I knew would benefit my family and my groups, because of illogical doubts I had in myself and my ability to cope.
But the more I progressed on New Era Dianetics, the more I realized how inherently stable I actually AM as an individual, and how much I love it that way.
I hope you can appreciate how much this has meant for me as a parent. Seriously, the most important thing in virtually any child’s life is to have stable, loving parents. To not have external noise and illogical, unwanted feelings constantly in my space has meant that I can just be there for my kids. I find myself more able to work when it’s time to work, and play when it’s time to play. I find it easier to deal with my kids little mishaps and problems, and to be factually in-communication with them without feeling that I, in any way, need to keep them at arm’s length due to shortcomings in myself.
As a parent, how many times have you been unable to make time for things your kid wanted to show you, or things you wanted to do with them, things you wanted to teach them, or times you just wanted to deal with them with patience and dignity, but just couldn’t because of your own franticness or stress in life? Trying to be a good dad is just so important to me, that it really hurt me when I didn’t give my kids the time of day and I knew it was because of me.
But now, that stress is replaced by a very natural and genuine peace. It’s a beautiful feeling, and has made it so much more pleasant to just be a dad, as well as wearing the other “hats” in life that need to be kept in-flight.
If you talk to just about anyone who’s read the book Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health, they come out of it going, “Yeah – Clear. I have got to go Clear.” Well, after years in Scientology, I can tell you with emphasis that attaining the State of Clear absolutely did not disappoint.
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