Communication: The Key Element in Parenting

image I think that communication skill is one of the single most – if not the single most undervalued yet utterly essential skills in being a parent, a husband or a wife.

Reasons to be a skilled, competent communicator abound.

  • Who of you has shaken their head in contempt of the parent you see at the grocery store screaming at their kids? It’s pretty much a given that only a very, very small percentage of parents actually mean to inflict permanent harm on their children and intend to verbally abuse them until they die.  My theory is that the rest are likely are at their wits end of how to actually control and communicate with their children.  The kids, having lived through years of poor communication and poor control, probably are at their wits end too on how to communicate with mommy.
  • Parents yelling at each other, unable to communicate, is the single biggest destabilizing influence in a child’s life. Seriously.  The one thing that needs to stay stable in a kids life to keep them sane, is for there always to be “mommy” and “daddy” and that “daddy & mommy love each other and love me”.  Now what happens if mommy can’t get daddy’ to listen to her simple demands, and daddy is a jerk and yells at mommy to shut up, and then when general communication failure happens and coffee cups start flying, what happens to the kids?  Suffering, big time.
  • Tantrums: Today, walking down by the Lincoln Memorial, I saw a family happily walking along pushing a stroller – and in that stroller was a Tasmanian-devil-look-alike child of about 3, flailing her legs and arms in a near-blur, screaming bloody murder.  Mom had a look on her face of, “oh, she always does this,” and the dad had this look of, “well, dear let’s just look like we’re enjoying the day”.   HOW ABOUT COMMUNICATING TO YOUR KID GUYS??? Maybe find out what’s up?  Maybe have them look around and communicate with the environment a bit?Boggling, but it was obvious that the parents gave up long ago on communication, and have resorted instead to pretending communication problems don’t exist.

As people who grew up in Scientology, it definitely wasn’t lost on my wife and I that in order to be good parents, we had better sharpen up on our communication skills.  Not that either of us was bad to begin with, but as such an important subject – especially with the “terrible twos” not too far away (the “terrible” aspect of them commonly agreed to be a result of the two-year-old not being able to communicate their thoughts to the parents) – we thought we’d better brush up.

image So, we enrolled at our local Church of Scientology on the new Success Through Communication Course – a course available to anyone, and one that specifically teaches the art and skill of guiding and controlling communication.

The course focuses on all of the real-world aspects of communication, one at a time.  Aspects like being a good listener (something just about every husband in the world could use brush-up on) and being able to effectively handle upsets, and to get ones point across despite interference.

My wife and I just came home from our third course period working on the course.  We’re doing the course together as a “twinship”, meaning that we are taking turns getting each other through each of the communication drills in the course.

And doing this course together as a married couple is magic.  To sum it up in a sentence, after every course period, I’ve finished off the day more utterly in love with her than I’ve ever been.

The reason for this is really simple.  We’ve gotten to each individually take up, and drill out of each other, bad communication habits that we’ve picked up in dealing with each other.  Things that we’ve grown to do with each other over 10 years of marriage that frankly are annoying.  Times when I tune her out if she drones on, or times she tunes me out when I go off on some long-winded technical explanation of something.  Or just simply being comfortable being there and listening to her and her to me.

It really is truly magical.

The course is designed such that anyone can pick it up and start immediately.  It’s streamlined and its easy, and if you approach it with the view that there is something you can learn about communication, it will change your whole life.

And I’m positive that it’s making me into a much better husband and a more competent daddy.

33 thoughts on “Communication: The Key Element in Parenting

  1. Great article there, having grown up as a Scientologist in a Scientology family with parents who placed a lot of importance on communication I can totally relate to what you are saying. I have 6 brothers and sisters we got on quite well, in fact the majority of the time things were smooth sailing. This was in no small part due to the fact that our parents took time to help us resolve our differences with communication, whether it was a comfortable subject or not. Doesn’t mean we always agreed, but at least we had tools at hand to resolve situations.

  2. I came across this article. I can say for myself that I have done the Success Through Communication Course at the Church of Scientology Amsterdam. I have learnt that being able to listen and hearing what others around me are saying is a big stepping stone a relationship and getting on with one another.

  3. I have to say, I have really noticed a big difference in childrens’ behaviour, from those of parents who listen to and talk to their kids and those who don’t. It’s amazing the difference. Personally I am not a fan of parents ignoring kids having ‘tantrums’ in a ‘they’ll get over it attitude’, it’s much easier to find out what is wrong with the child.
    It’s fantastic that a course like this is available for people to learn how to handle communication and be able to resolve problems in relationships and in life.

    1. I couldn’t agree more with this viewpoint, it’s much better to be in good communication with your children, regardless of their age. I raised three children and always held good communication in the highest regard. To this day, we are all in good communication with each other even though my children are now grown and out on their own.

      It is the key to good, sound relationships!

  4. Looking back at a motherhood of 7 kids – I agree that communication was a key-element in making it into a happy rewarding time.
    I loved being a mother of a great bunch of kids (seven). Each day was a new adventure- and being created as such with a lot of respect for my children – knowing they were spiritual beings with big potentialities –
    and as such they needed to be treated with respect no matter what situation came up.
    One of my sons at the age of 3 would continously take things into the shopping-
    trolley while we were shopping, which I did not wish to buy, and could not afford.
    This went on for a long time and I would have to put each item back which I did.Eventually his irritating habit went away by itself.

    To me the element of really respecting your child from the very beginning and treating them with good manners and love was the most important thing that helped me create wonderful days with my kids.

    Now I am working professionally with a child who has a lot of difficulties. It is a joy and a worthy conquest to see him brighter and happier each week – just from being positiv and communicating with him and believing in him! All the time.
    Even the parents are changing just from experiencing the changes in their child.

    solveig van den Berg

    1. My goodness! 7 kids! You definitely have the qualifications necessary to comment on this blog then! 🙂

      Definitely agree with you on the point of respect, as I think that goes hand-in-hand with communication. Even at the early age of 13 months with my daughter, she’s now communicating real concepts to us – i.e. if she points out an airplane in the distance, we had best acknowledge that there’s an airplane and see it for ourselves, and not just assume “she’s just chattering away back there” or something – as she knows when she’s being heeded!

  5. As LRH says, communication is the universal solvent. I have two teenage kids and my oldest, being 16 is surrounded by drugs and immorality in high school, but because it is safe for him to communicate to us, he does not do drugs, and we know much more about his friends than his friends parents know because he doesn’t hesitate to tell us what they are up to.

    As a result of my 16 year old holding the line in this regard, he has had friends stop taking drugs.

    It also is a lesson in the simple fact that one person can make a difference in the world. I think this is so important– imagine if the majority of people in the world held true to this datum, the world would be a very different place. And it all starts with communication.

    1. Bill – that’s a great story. If only more parents realized that so much of being a parent boils down to that simplicity of simple communication – and all that entails, in terms of actually being //interested// in what they have to say, and being a safe person for them to talk to.

  6. Hi there,

    This is really a great article – and very true! I have observed from experience that upsets between parents can really make a child feel sick – and get ill!

    So I can see that parents who are in good communication with each other can really help create a safe environment for a child to grow up in.

    I hope a lot of people will be following your example!

  7. Great article!
    It is true that communication within a family is the greatest problem almost everywhere. If people would learn to really listen to each other (not to pretend), it would make all the difference. And this is only one aspect of communication!


  8. Hi, I completely agree that there is only one solution to handle things in life : Communication!

    And being able to really communicate your ideas and convey your ideas to others will create Understanding!
    LRH is giving the right technique to do so!



  9. Very good article! I am just reading the book ‘Child Dianetics’ and everything in this article confirms, with own experience, what L. Ron Hubbard says in there. As an expecting mum-to-be of our first child in 3 months, I highly value the data and experience from others! Thanks a lot 🙂 I defnitely put this link into “my favorites” and forward it to all the mums or future mums I know of!

  10. Thank you for forwarding this important message. I am sure that it will help a lot of parents and make the future of a lot of kids much easier. Communication, real communication, avoids a lot of trouble for now and for all tomorrows. And to know what is real communication, I fully agree that this course is teaching it !

  11. Hello!

    I can only agree with what has been written. Communication is such a basic principle in life, whether you communicate with kids or adults.
    By listening, understanding and acknowledging people, they will feel the difference and it makes sure that so many good things are possible. I experience this every day of my life.

  12. In the long run it shapes society as a whole. It has a HUGE ripple effect. Family does better, child grows up sane and contributing and loves and cares about and COOMUNICATES well to those around him. Everyone benefits and it spreads out into future generations and shapes the world. If you want to save the world – start at home.

  13. I raised four kids, and am now watching my grandchildren grow up. In 40 years of having children in my home, I can say without hesitation that the most unsettling thing to a child is to see his parents arguing or fighting.
    A parent would be wise to look back at the times his child woke up ill and take note of what happened the day before. They would be surprised, I think, to realize how often there was some kind of altercation, even just a few harsh words.
    A calm home, where a child sees and hears that he is important and loved, makes all the difference in the world.

    1. Tom – well spoken. I think this is a big contributing factor as to why our baby went her first 7 months without any illness of any kind. So much can be said for having a calm, loving home.

  14. This is really a great article and very true!
    As LRH says, communication is the universal solvent.
    Thank goodness I did these communication courses before becoming a mother.
    Looking back at being a mother of one child. I agree that communication was a key-element in making it into a happy rewarding time.
    I loved being a mother. Each day was a new adventure and being created as such with a lot of respect for my child knowing she is a spiritual being with big potentialities and as such needed to be treated with respect no matter what situation came up.
    To me the element of really respecting your child from the very beginning and treating them with good manners and love was the most important thing that helped me create wonderful days with my child.
    She is now grown up into a very productive, stable and happy person who also uses these tools in helping to make life better around her.

  15. There is a world of difference between Children who have have done a communications course thru the Church, even the most basic ones, and children who have not. Many of these children have better communication skills than most adults even adults who are considered “good communicators”.

    I personally, prior to doing a course of this type, had the bad habit of always thinking about what I was going to say next in a conversation instead of really being there in the present and actually hearing and understanding what the other person was saying. This was easily handled by the course as were many other negative factors in my communication ability.


  16. I Had a situation with my oldest son William many years ago that I did find a bit tricky.

    Already when William was three years old he loved climbing. And he would not be satisfied with low heights but he wanted chalanges.
    He developed a very keen agility. However he would at a very young age choose the very highest trees around and it did worry me at times.
    Should I stop him?
    I know it is not good to stop children much, as it can take away the belief they have in themselves. Thus it is better to
    let them do what they wish- IF POSSIBLE-.Anyway I never did stop his climbing and he never did have an accident climbing as a child.
    I did however make sure I was in good communication with him, and I saw he was a responsible child,and an extraordinary able child in many ways.(I did have to turn it around in my own mind more than once though weather I should stop him or not…)
    He seemed to lack fear in many challenging situations which I will talk about another time.


    1. @Solveig – As the wife, I can completely empathize with you.

      But I don’t think either of us would have ever succeeded in stopping him from climbing anything … in fact it probably would have made it worse!

  17. I am ashamed to say that my son was just such a hellion screaming and flailing and yes I was guilty of just ignoring his com. Poor little guy. Once I started applying a com cycle to my son he changed around almost over night. I thought it might take longer but it was like he was starved of someone to listen to him and the change in his behavior was very quick. For me the most amazing thing was the realization that with these new skills, I have the power to really help my family.

  18. I have 3 children all grown up now,in the beginning I was nervous about how to handle situations with them,I remembered the wins I had having done the old version of the communication course by L R Hubbard and my wife as well and applied it to the daily events that come up with the kids, and the results were amazing, calm was present among us.

  19. Hi Tad,

    And thanks for this very good and useful article. Communication is a neglected issue and yet we all need it to live in peace and harmony with our parents, children, partners, colleagues, neighbors. Communication is the key to a peaceful , lovely and healthy life. We do not communicate because we do not know what is communications, we do not know how to do it and we do not know its amazing outcome. I would love to attend this wonderful course.

    I am an african woman, mother of two cute children, wife of a great man, sister of 8 and friend of many who seeks my advice almost all the time to solve their relationship problems. And it is obvious that these relations problems are due to lack of communication, real communication. I have had issues with people because we do not know how to communicate. I think it is obvious that we talk but we do not understand each other.

    I am planning yo travel to the USA and Canada in June for at least three months. This could be a wonderful opportunity to attend this important training.

    Thanks for your support,

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